New Words at Your Law Firm

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a client’s deadline was missed or why a case failed at trial, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL PARTNER
A partner who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the partner rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’ to your entire firm).

CUBE FARM
A law firm office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What lawyers turn into when they have children and their wife stops working to stay home with the kids or start a ‘home business’.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an firm provided electronic device to get it to work again. (usually an outdated BlackBerry)

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the ‘adminisphere’ are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded ‘administrivia’ – needless paperwork and processes.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP DONKEY
A deeply unattrative person at your law firm.

FARTICIPATE
The act of sitting in a firm meeting  or deposition and farting the entire time because you have nothing valuable to add to the discussion.

TIME VAMPIRE
A partner or senior associate who sucks all your spare time dry.

BEEPILEPSY
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their BlackBerry goes off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

BODY NAZI
Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting partners who look down on associates who doesn’t work out obsessively.

CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING…

DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by a partner, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again!The old man revised the brief for the fourth time this week.”

DORITO SYNDROME
The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content caused by spending too many hours at the office. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.

PLUG -AND PLAY
A lateral partner who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

STARTER MARRIAGE
An attorney’s short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

UMFRIEND
A fellow attorney with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Heidi, my…um…friend.”

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