How to Date a Law School Student

Fish where the Fish Are

To meet a law school student, you need to be in a law school-rich location. Topping the list is Washington D.C., where around 1 out of every 12 people is a lawyer, right behind New York, which has 1 lawyer for every 127 people. At the very bottom of the list is Guam, which has only 1 lawyer for every 734 people, preceded by Arkansas, which has only 1 lawyer for every 507 people.

Go in for the Kill

Once you’re in a law school student-rich environment, you’ll need to go in for the kill. Our survey made it clear that students spend more time in one place than any other: the law school library. If infiltrating a law library seems impractical or illegal, your next best option is a bar—that is, a bar association event. Finally, you could frequent bars (where they sell drinks) near courthouses, but exercise caution to avoid alcoholics in legal trouble.

Beware the Law Student Personality

Once you’ve snagged a law school student, beware. According to 20-year psychologist, Dr. Fiona Travis, “the same qualities that persuade juries and win cases can also work like acid on marital relations.” Our survey indicated the same, with one law student wife telling us that she endures “power trips” and “being spoken to like opposing counsel.” Studies also show that law students tend to be defensive, argumentative, skeptical, and anti-social. However, the bright side is that you won’t experience these things often because law students are rarely at home. As one law student said, “Law school students tend to be type A workaholics and have a hard time balancing work and family.”

Only Repeat Things you hear from Credible People

Law school students are trained to destroy witness credibility on cross examination. That’s why if you ever repeat something you’ve heard, you should volunteer the tipster’s name, education, occupation, and criminal history.

Use Latin whenever Possible

Law school students feel warm and fuzzy when they hear Latin. An easy way to use Latin without knowing any is to give your pets Latin names. When you say, “Why, yes, I have a pet! It’s a poodle named Per Stirpes!” any law school student will turn to putty in your hands.

Make Love Notes Long and Confusing

Brevity and clarity make law school students feel uncomfortable and agitated, much like normal people feel at the DMV. For example, don’t say, “Let’s head back home early for some fun.” Instead say, “Let’s return early to the domicile for some malfeasance.”

Don’t be surprised when your law school student sweetheart nitpicks everything

When it happens, don’t accuse them of splitting hairs. That would be like accusing a dolphin of swimming. Instead, thank them for being both a gentleman/lady and a scholar.

Always Cite Sources

When in doubt, point to scientific studies, real or imagined. For example, instead of saying you “feel” that fried Twinkies should be illegal, say they’ve been associated with stroke and suicidal ideation. Your law school student lover may chastise you for sloppy research later, but will respect your appeal to authority.

Never speak of beliefs not backed by empirical evidence

For example, if you believe in the healing power of magnets, keep it to yourself. Instead, loudly and passionately accuse wait staff and small children of non sequiturs. Throw in a disparaging comment about the American education system for extra points.

Remember, it can all be very worth it

Law school students, despite their posturing and sometimes-aggressive demeanor, are really very sweet at heart. As one law school student put it, “I am looking for honesty, loyalty, a good listener, someone who can be confident, a companion and my best friend.” With a little training, persistence and patience, a law school student can be the love of your life.

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3 Responses to “How to Date a Law School Student”

  1. Not a huge fan of how this is written as if all law school students are guys. :/

    • Agreed… It was going good until the “he”s started popping in there. Considering my law school is over 50% female…

  2. This is pretty freaking funny. I should’ve named my cat Ad Coelum instead of Miaosie.

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