The Bachelor: Hometown Dates Breakdown

A friend forwarded me this analysis of last night’s Bachelor Episode. For those of you who love the show, you’ll find it hysterical. Enjoy!

Tonight Brad will be jetting off to spend some time meeting each girl’s family. This might be a fairly short episode because, if memory serves, Shawntel was the girl on the show this season who talks to her dad at all. I am hoping that we will get to meet Chantal’s first husband and Dental Ashley’s hygienist but I am most interested to see whether we meet Emily’s daughter. I bet we will not meet her until she appears as a contestant circa 2024.

Because we will be going to California, Washington, North Carolina, and Maine, tonight’s episode naturally begins in New York City. Brad steps out on his veranda donning a newsboy hat because that is what New Yorkers wear when they feel the need to reflect on their adventures in polygamy. Brad shares his deepest thoughts on each girl: Chantal is annoying but crazy. Ashley is hyperactive but insecure. Shawntel possesses sufficiently few distinctive qualities as to leave Brad with almost nothing to say about her. Emily is damaged goods but boring. Basically, we sorely miss Nanny Ashley.

On our first hometown date, Chantal will be showing Brad around Seattle. While Brad and Chantal hang out, Chris Harrison and I will be at Ichiro’s house playing Wii. I have never been to Seattle but I have also never seen anyone on television go to Seattle without throwing and catching salmon at the outdoor market. I give us five minutes before Brad and Chantal follow suit.

Inside Chantal house we learn that she owns two cats and a homosexual dog name Boca. We also learn that Brad’s loft is too small for three pets and their owner. I consider myself to be a fairly inflexible person but what exactly is stopping Brad from moving to wherever any of these girls live? He is a bartender for Christ’s sake.

We go to Chantal’s parents’ house for dinner. Chantal’s mom Billie Joan is better looking than Chantal. Chantal’s dad Michael shares Brad love of purple shirts, though we can give Micahael the benefit of the doubt here because he may be a Washington fan. Chantal’s brother Connor is inexplicably dressed to play basketball. Chantal’s dad goes out of his way to be cool to Brad, but Brad has a gift for making any conversation awkward. Dad, who’s clearly had some work done and has a shiny smooth sheen, and Brad go off to Dad’s wing or whatever and Dad shows him his massive “Self-Made Man” sculpture that looks like something you’d get from the SkyMall catalog. This visit was boring and I have a feeling the entire episode is headed in the same direction. At 9:00 I may go looking for a girl from Seattle who really knows how to have fun and flip to Lifetime to watch “Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial.”

After a commercial we travel to Madawaska, Maine to meet Dental Ashley’s family. Brad is dressed in a flannel shirt and it occurs to me that he wore a vest in Seattle and a newsboy hat in New York. I cannot tell whether he thinks himself debonair for dressing like a caricature of the locals or if he is taking regional fashion tips from the Village People. I suppose we will not know for sure until Brad wears camouflage in North Carolina and a hemp poncho in Northern California.

After lunch at a local restaurant eating poutine, which is french fries covered with cheese and gravy and obviously was invented by a HUGE STONER, they head to dinner at Dental Ashley’s parents’ house. Dental Ashley’s dad and brother wear flannel like Brad and her sister has a tattoo sleeve. She is sort of a Goth version of Dental Ashley. Also, the entire family has great teeth, which suggests that Dental Ashley is good at her job. I was down on Dental Ashley for a few weeks there, but she has put together a strong showing the past few weeks. Competent and cute is a good way to go through life.

Following dinner Brad expresses some trepidation over the fact that Ashley is in dental school and has career goals. Her sister attempts to relieve him of those fears but Brad is clearly a little intimidated here. Still, this date seemed to be livelier than the date with Chantal was. Brad leaves with a paper bag full of household items he’s stolen.

The next segment starts with a commercial for Shawntel’s family undertaking business. Brad goes to meet Shawntel at a mausoleum in Chico, California. Brad immediately starts breathing heavily when Shawntel shows him how the crematorium works and then brings him into the embalming room and has him lie down on the gurney. Shawntel is freakier than even I would have hoped. I wish they would have skipped the Chantal date and done two of these Shawntel dates. My great uncle Joe was a funeral director. He was a hilarious guy.

That afternoon Brad and Shawntel head to Shawntel’s family’s house for a late lunch. Shawntel’s dad Rick has a mustache that likely earns him a ton of respect within the industry. Rick though makes it clear to Brad that he expects Shawntel to take over the family business and stay in Chico. This leads to a tense moment at the table and Brad reiterates his attachment to Austin where the bar scene admittedly might be cooler than that of Chico.

Shawntel and her dad have a private discussion over the need for Shawntel to remain in her hometown. This probably was not the optimal occasion to have that discussion but Brad uses the opportunity to steal away to kitchen and get a few drinks in Shawntel’s mom. He should have tried this with Chantal’s mom on the Seattle trip. She deserved a rose. The date ends with Shawntel letting Brad know that she loves him but Brad’s reaction is tepid. I think Shawntel might be on thin ice and that is a shame.

After the commercial we see Emily and her daughter hanging out at a park. I have made enough trips to Charlotte to know that this date is going to culminate with the band at Buckhead Saloon inviting Chris Harrison on stage to play drums on “Fishin’ in the Dark.” Brad arrives carrying a giftwrapped kite for Emily’s daughter. The youngster wants no part of Brad but he finally pesters her into putting up with him and they play with the kite. A third wheel is not helping this date move along.

That night we do not meet Emily’s parents but Brad gets a taste of parenting when he is treated to an evening of playing Candyland, tucking in the daughter, eating TV dinners, and refraining from having sex. The latter of these activities comes to pass because Brad cannot perform sexually when a six-year-old is present, which is funny because I can perform sexually only when a six-year-old is present. They end up kissing good night, but things do not look promising for Emily. This is why you have to eliminate the girls with kids, ex-husbands, and dead husbands in the first episode.

Following the commercial Chris Harrison graces us and Brad with a pep talk back in New York. This is going to be a tough Rose Ceremony™ for Brad. I think that any of the girls could be a candidate to get the boot. Chantal is a little intense but Brad liked her dad and Brad probably needs a dad more than he needs a wife. Dental Ashley is playing strong right now but Brad is worried about the fact that she is not as dumb as he is. Shawntel is nice and good-looking but Brad has reservations about her relocation hang-ups and the whole necrophilia thing. Emily is the best looking one but she is not too interesting and Brad clearly was not as into the kid as he expected himself to be.  Chris Harrison, who plays this game at an entirely different level from the one the rest of us play on, points out that the visit to Dental Ashley’s hometown went the best but that Dental Ashley is the one girl who has not told Brad she loves him. This is going to brain-fuck our simple-minded suitor.

It is now time for the big moment and I am going to guess that Emily is going home. The roses go out like this:

1.      Dental Ashley: She has to be the favorite right now. Chris Harrison called this early.

2.      Emily: Wrong again, though on second thought she is no less interesting than Brad.

Chris Harrison steps back in to let us know that we will never again have to be confused about who Brad is talking about as between Chantal and Shawntel. It is nice to get one more run at this where we will not knowwhich girl got the rose  until one of them steps forward. I still do not know which one has which last initial. I think that he is going to let Shawntel go, but neither would surprise me.

The final rose goes to Chantal. That was a tough end for Shawntel. Next time Chris Harrison and I find a dead girl in the hot tub, I know exactly who will get the call to embalm her.