Law School Is Hell

USF Law School: July 2011 California Bar Results

The students of graduating class of 2011 from the University of San Francisco Law School recently got their bar results back for the July 2011 California Bar Exam and I am happy to report that 74% of first time students who sat for the examination passed!

Below is a historical perspective of how USF Law Students have fared on the California Bar Exam since 2008:

February 2011
FIRST-TIMERS                    REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
18          9            50                        40       24           60

July 2010
FIRST-TIMERS                     REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
146      111          76                       25          8         32

February 2010
FIRST-TIMERS                     REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
23        13           57                         39       20          51

July 2009
FIRST-TIMERS                     REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
165      134         81                          31       10         32

February 2009
FIRST-TIMERS                     REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
15          7             47                       34         17         50

July 2008
FIRST-TIMERS                     REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
199      174        87                          32       14          44

February 2008
FIRST-TIMERS                     REPEATERS
Took   Pass     %Pass                   Took   Pass     %Pass
14           10          71                        38       19           50

*All statistical data derived from Cal Bar Website

10 Things Shorter than Waiting for CA Bar Results

Kim Kardashian’s recent  72 day marriage and the subsequent popular twitter hashtag #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage, lead me to think about the relationship between time and bar results, and how absurdly long California law student have to wait. This year, it will take 113 days for someone who took the July 2010 exam to get their results on November 18th! That’s almost 4 months! Thus, without further ado here’s my top 10 #ThingsShorterThanCABarResults.

10. 2011 NBA playoffs – 57 Days.

The playoffs lasted almost half of the time that a law school student waits for their bar results. Interesting to know that the California bar exam results takes twice as long for NBA to determine a league Champion. Now that’s Endurance!

9. The Falklands War – 42 Days.

The Falklands war was fought in 1982 between Argentina and the United Kingdom over the disputed Falkland Islands, South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands. The Falkland Islands consist of two large and many small islands in the South Atlantic Ocean east of Argentina, and their name and ownership have long been disputed. The war was triggered by the occupation of South Georgia by Argentina on 19 March 1982 followed by the occupation of the Falklands, and ended when Argentina surrendered on 14 June 1982.

8. President William Henry Harrison’s Term in Office – 32 Days.

He only served one month, from March 4 until April 4, 1841. He was the first president to die in office and he would not have gotten his bar results during his time as U.S. president either.

7. Circumnavigating  the Globe – 50 Days.

Bruno Peyron of France circumnavigated the globe from January to March 2005, for a total of  50 days 16 hours 20 minutes 4 seconds. That means he could have circled the globe TWICE in this boat and still not have gotten his results. Absurd.

6. Walking Across the United States – 81 Days.

Mark Baumer was 26 years old when he walked from Tybee Island, GA to the Pacific Ocean in Santa Monica, CA, going through GA, AL, MS, LA, TX, NM, AZ, and CA. He left on May 10, 2010 and finished eighty-one days later on July 29, 2010.  That would be quite the post bar vacation^!

5. Flying to the Moon and Back to Earth – 5 Days.

The Apollo 13 astronauts were launched April 11th 1970 at 2:13 pm from the Kennedy Space Centre. They flew around the Moon and landed in the Pacific Ocean April 17th 1:07:41 pm. It took them 5 days, 22 hours, 54 minutes to fly to the Moon and back to the Earth. That means someone could theoretically travel to the moon and back over 17 times while they wait for their bar results.

4. Time to Build a Rolls Royce – 105 Days.

Rolls Royce Motor Cars are manufactured via a “bespoke” process on a mechanized and computerized assembly line, but most of this process of putting the components together are done by hand. A RR engine is put together usually by one person and by hand. It takes approximately three and a half months from order and deposit to delivery depending on production priorities.

3. Time it took Google+ to Reach 20 Million Users – 24 Days.

Whilst there’s little doubt that Google+’s growth is impressive, it’s probably also worth noting that it did have a considerable head-start on both Twitter and Facebook, which were both starting from scratch. Also, imagine how many users it will gain while someone will wait for their bar results in 113 days!

2. The Number of  Days in the Movie Groundhog Day – 42 Days.

I love the film Groundhog Day and there are widely conflicting reports of how long Phil Conners was trapped in the time loop. However, in the film there are 42 accountable days in the film. I guess if you were stuck in that time warp, you still wouldn’t know whether you passed the California bar.

1. Kim Kardashian’s Marriage to Kris Humphries – 72 Days.

The marriage that inspired this post also is no. 1 on this list. Who knew you could get married and divorce all while you wait for your bar exam results to come back!

10 Reasons Why Waiting for Bar Results is like a Bad Blind Date

1. Regardless of whether you pass or fail, you are guaranteed to get drunk afterwards.
2. You blacked out and have no idea what you wrote or said during the experience.
3. You prepared so long for it, only to be dismissive of it after occurs.
4. You regret what you wore during both experiences.
5. You are often reminded of what you should have done or said.
6. The thought of thinking about it gives you an ulcer.
7. The other person\bar committee takes too long to get back to you.
8. You spent way too much money on it in retrospect.
9. Afterwards, everyone says it will be great and you are going to do fine
10. You never want to do it again.

Law School Gchat Status Dilemma

In this contemporary world of isolation, individuality, and corporate firewalls, there probably isn’t a service so revered and cherished in the law school community as Gmail.  While our forefathers, as well as many of us, were forced to deal with the AOL, Yahoo Mail, and Hotmail struggles, we have been fortunate enough to be liberated from their Tyrannical rule and obnoxious vocal greetings the minute we log on.  Years later, we’ve seen this mail client bear the delicious fruit of  Gchat.  But lately, I’ve noticed a growing trend that is jeopardizing peace and happiness for all of us in the bright green Gmail pastures.

So what is this threat I am are referring to exactly?  You might want to sit down for this one…

As you read this, there are “friends” who are slithering through your Gchat contact list like cat burglars, ready to pop up out of nowhere and ask you what your plans for the weekend are.  You’ve seen them, we’ve seen them (or rather, don’t see them, which is precisely the problem).  But now it’s time to come together as one as take a stand against them, because we all have a right to know who is around to suck away our productivity at the law library.

Just think: what if people were to try that same sort of behavior in real life?  It would have real life consequences, wouldn’t it?  Just imagine someone weaseling their way  into your apartment in Kevin-Bacon-in-Hollow-Man-esque fashion, sitting on your couch next to you and then striking up a conversation??  Nah, it would be curtains for them.  Sure, we would look like one of those fools playing Street Fighter on Nintendo Wii as we beat the dog crap out of whatever invisible “friend” creeped up on me, but that’s the nature of the situation folks!

But since when was chillin’ on Gchat in your invisibility cloak cool anyway?  Was I too busy protecting my tweets and retiring my Facebook walls to miss this hot trend?  I’ve thought about this a fair amount and we’ve come to a few possible explanations for the spike in invisible activities:

1. Law students may be slightly embarrassed at the amount of time they spend on Gmail, so they’ve retreated to the darkest shadows of Gchat in order to remain present while cloaking their shame.
2. Law students are, well…actually trying to get some school work done and need access to their e-mail in order to do that without being harassed by the Gchat peanut gallery.

Now, in theory there is nothing wrong with reason #2…except for the fact that most of us law students know damn well that you aren’t doing any real work.  Because if you were, then we wouldn’t constantly be knocked into shell shock whenever you rise out of the Gchat abyss like the Undertaker, and that’s where the problem lays: what should be a temporary state of existence in that chat box on the left side has become an alternative lifestyle of deception that too many have embraced.  You know those people who call you on a whim, but whenever you call them back their phone somehow always goes straight to voicemail?  Well, unfortunately these folks and Gchat shadow-lurkers are cut from the same cloth and should be avoided at all costs.

Look, at the end of the day, all I’m asking for is honesty!  No one is saying your status needs to be green, but if you’re struggling with Gchat identity and feeling like you need to keep you status invisible, then we’ve all failed as a Gmail community.  No matter where you work, chat lists are always better when there is a beautiful mix of green, red, and orange dots.

Three Ridiculous Statistics about USF Law

1. The current tuition for USF Law is about $40,464, excluding living expenses, making it one of the more expensive law schools in the country, despite the fact that it is ranked by US News in bottom 100 of all accredited law schools.

2. According to US News, USF Law students graduate on average with a whopping $124,982 in loans, placing them in the top 10th percentile of indebtedness among all law school graduates.

3. For the fiscal 2009 year, the school paid its dean Jeffrey Brand $329,340 in total compensation, while also paying in total compensation Professors Jack Garvey, Ronald Micon, Julie Nice and Steven Shatz between $254,015 and $277,108.

Fucking Joke.

2011 USF Law T-Shirt Contest Review

Below are a few submissions for the upcoming USF Law T-Shirt contest. While some are interesting, others are extremely boring. Check them out below.

No. 1 Why is the U bigger? SF isn’t Miami. Or better yet,  what’s with the new diamond thingy T-Shirt

No. 2 The T-shirt that if made, will make ZERO profit

No. 3 The Guaranteed Never to Win a Contest Ever T-shirt

No. 4 The Definition of Boring T-Shirt. The SF skyline is the best you could do?

No. 5 Intriguing, but It looks like tire treads attached to a gavel T-shirt.

No. 6 The Jersey Shore T-Shirt. Absolutely Ridiculous

No. 7 The Truly Uncreative I ♥ ___ Shirt

No. 8 The I’m going to write USF Law in Two Fonts T-shirt

No. 9 The Connect Four T-shirt

Click HERE for the full contest. Vote by Friday, October 14!

Cool SF Buildings Baby Pictures

Sex and the Single San Francisco Law Student

Sooner or later, “single law student” is a redundant phrase. You may hear early on that nearly half of all marriages fail during the 3 years that one spouse is in law school and more than 90% of unmarried couples will not survive. You ask me, prospective lawyers should view romantic interests the way a fool should look at money: they were lucky to get together in the first place.

But there’s an up side to the bleak statistics. Anyone who would want to spend their life with an expanding, balding, slowly ulcerating egomaniac who will work nights and weekends consistently for the next 40 years can’t be right in the head. If you’re thinking about going to law school, it’s likely that you, too, are not really quite right in the head. Two people so handicapped do not, in fact, cancel each other out. Rather, they annoy others and raise similarly nutty children. So if you insist on eventually being both a lawyer and married, at least have the good sense to wait until you’re actually a lawyer before you settle down with someone, who you’ll at least know is only marrying you for your perceived income potential and not because he/she is crazy (by the way, if you meet your future spouse in the neighborhood where Hastings is located, it’s entirely possible that he/she is a singular designation and not an expression of mutually exclusive alternatives.)

In the mean time, you will be a law student, and you will remain nominally human and inhumanly tense. Therefore, you will continue to have human needs during your three years in hell. For this reason, I have prepared a primer on all things related to sex and law school. These rules are not necessarily unique to USF Law. Apply them as you like to your own law school.

1. He’s not hot, he’s law school hot.

Take a look around you on your first day of class. Make a note of who you find attractive. Seriously, make a note. Write it down and tuck it away somewhere where it won’t get mixed in with an outline that you’re likely to share with others later in the year. If there are more than 3 people on that list, you are being overinclusive. Now swear to yourself that you will not sleep with anyone who is not on that list. Trust me, 3 months from now, you will look at the troll who just said something really funny about the Palzgraff case in your Torts class, and think to yourself, “Hey, she’s pretty hot.” Trust me, she’s not. She’s only law school hot. You have been blinded by the fact that you see the same 85 faces every day, all day. Let familiarity breed contempt, not misplaced lust. Do not be seduced by his double entendre about “accord and satisfaction.” You will regret it later if you do.

2. Resist the Siren Songs of Market Street

You’ll hear it somewhere else sooner or later, so I might as well let the cat out of the bag right now: Prostitution is legal in San Francisco. I mean, it’s not really legal, but it is, and everyone knows it. The DA doesn’t want to prosecute “lifestyle” crimes, so you can feel free to stop by Market Street’s medical marijuana club and smoke a blunt on your way to one of the many Tenderloin massage parlors. But I don’t recommend it. Minka the 56DD sex goddess appearing this week only at the Crazy Horse may seem an appealing alternative to sorting out the intricacies of pendant and ancillary jurisdiction, but she will charge you a lot for her services (I’m told by a cousin of a friend of a classmate of mine who once went) and you haven’t graduated from law school yet. In fact, you’re a first year. You may not ever graduate from law school. Why don’t you wait until the money’s in the bank before you go blowing it on hookers and drugs, okay tiger. You’re going to need that money when you don’t have a paying legal job during first summer.

3. Some People Think Lawyers Are A Catch, Snag Them Before They Learn Better

If you’re in law school right now, there’s a 25% chance that your dad is a lawyer. Think about it, do you like him? Of course not. Do you think his ex-wife – your mother – likes him? Do you think she thought he was a catch, even before she left him for the cabana boy in Cabo because he brought a laptop and drafts of an appellate brief with him? No. And yet, the stereotype persists, largely because our mothers just can’t help but want to say, “My son the lawyer; my daughter the doctor, blah blah blah.” Our parents and grandparents want us to be, or to marry, lawyers so they have something to say to their friends during mah-jong tournaments and on the golf course. Anyway, that’s one of my theories. The point is, the myth persists. There are plenty of bars in San Francisco, and a great many of them are not loud, so you can meet people, talk to them, and casually mention that you’re a lawyer. Since everyone in San Francisco who is not in law school is either a dot-commie or works at a coffee house (and dot-commies are still in front of the computer when you’re at the bars), the cappuccino maker that you just met will see you as an opportunity to move out of the living room that she and her friend from back home pay 800 bucks a month to crash in, and she will have sex with you.

What? It could happen.

Note that it matters not that you are only a law student and not an actual lawyer. No one was ever censured by the bar for practicing without a license in this manner. What we’re going for is plausible deniability here, folks. Throw a res judicata her way and she won’t know the difference.

4. The Import/Export Business

Against all odds, you probably had a girlfriend or boyfriend at some point before you started law school. One that isn’t the same person who left you when he got sick of listening to you scream, “Who’s the freakin’ plaintiff in Pennoyer v. Neff!” You may have even had several. But those people knew you when you were a chronically drunk 5th year at State U / Tower Records stock clerk with no real prospects. Now you’re a chronically drunk law student with no real prospects, but he/she doesn’t know that. He/she just knows you’re a law student, and is likely to think, “Wow, he finally got his stuff together, maybe I’ll give him/her another shot.” At which point you either import the ex-romantic interest or export yourself to them. They have had sex with you before, so it won’t be so bad for them to do it again, even after they’ve discovered that you haven’t really changed all that much.

You scoff, I know, but the import/export business is a viable concern at every law school in the nation. Ask around, you’ll see.

5. The Vacation Rule is in Effect

A slight variation on the import/export business is the vacation rule. You all know how this one works. 26 year olds don’t really get to go on that many vacations, and when they do, it’s not like they’re jetting off to Paris or cruising the Carribean. They stay in-country, but they want the same adventure they imagine they would be having in St. Thomas. They substitute the exotic locale with what – sex with people they hardly know. This is why spring break towns are such a hotbed of chlamydia. And if you’re at USF Law, you’re ahead of the game in terms of tapping into the Vacation Rule. Everyone loves San Francisco. Everyone wants to visit San Francisco, Everyone’s happy to have a friend who’s place they can crash at in San Francisco. Imagine if you had decided after all to go to University of Indiana – Bloomington because of that great labor studies program. Where would that get you when it came time to apply the Vacation Rule. Nobody wants to visit you in Bloomington. San Francisco, you can have a different visitor every weekend. You’ll fail Civ. Pro. but you’ll be much less tense. Trust me.

In conclusion: Look, you have plenty of time to not have sex once you become a lawyer, and plenty of clients and partners to not have it with. If you follow my few simple rules, you will be a happier law student, and your classmates will be happier when you don’t tie yourself to a tree and light yourself on fire.

5 Signs You’re A Stage 5 Clinger

Most male law students hate Stage 5 Clingers in law school and it’s difficult to hold this against them — clinginess is annoying and, in some relationships, can be exhausting for both parties. Of course, women aren’t the only ones who get clingy; men can be quite clingy as well, and it’s every bit as much of a turn off. Therefore, this article isn’t being written as a guide for females; it’s a guide for anyone who finds themselves acting in this manner. If you’ve been called a Stage 5 clinger, take a look at the list below; if any of that sounds like you, you’re probably a Stage 5 Clinger

1. You ALWAYS call him or her first — and you call ALL the time.

Sometimes before you’ve even gotten out of bed in the morning. And then loads of other times during the school day. The love of your life can’t call you first, because you always beat them to it. Not to mention, you call them so frequently that they could guess it was you calling and be right 98% of the time. Yo — you’re obsessed. Put the phone down for 5 minutes and open your law books!

2. You have no life of your own

Do you spend every bit of your free time outside of law school with your man? Do you spend most of your day thinking about your next date with your woman rather than preparing that outline you need to do? Do you put your law school friends and hobbies on hold unless your man announces that he’s going out with the boys? Unless you’ve just met this person and are riding that “new love” high, you’re being clingy. And obsessed.

3. You’re constantly worried about getting dumped.

Insecurity is at the heart of a Stage 5 Clinger, so if you’re experiencing this one, you need to think about why. It’s this fear that makes you want to constantly be around the other person, so you can reassure yourself that they are still there and haven’t dumped you. If you are more insecure about your relationship than your law school classes, you may be a stage 5 clinger!

4. You’re willing to be bored out of your mind just to spend time with them.

If he tells you that he’ll be spending the weekend reading for his law school classes and won’t be able to talk much, do you then ask if you can drop by to watch him read it? Or maybe you’re more clever than that; maybe you just offer to clean his watch so you can watch him without seeming as obsessed as you apparently are.

5. You’re not happy on the inside.

Being Stage 5 Clinger is a big mix of insecurity, obsession and other self-esteem issues. Men and women who are clingy are rarely happy for more than the initial few moments when they see the person they’re obsessing over, because they immediately start to worry about how they’re going to feel when the date is over.

InfoGraphic: The Law School Bubble

A 1L’s Guide To Highlighter Colors

How Law School Graduates Talk

I noticed yesterday that law school graduates, at least the ones I know, no longer speak traditional English. We now all speak some version of legalese, but it’s not like we’re talking about legal matters. Usually, it’s related to romantic or dating interests.

Here is a partial list of phrases I have heard from recent law school graduates in the past month:

1. “In the interest of full disclosure…” [insert some personal revelation here, like “I’m dating someone else besides you,” or “I hooked up last night,” or “I got so drunk I spent the night praying to the porcelain gods…”]

2. “I concur.” [to be used instead of “That sounds good to me,” or “I agree with what you’re saying.”]

3. “My docket is full,” or “I have room on my docket.” [referring to people you are dating, and whether you may or may not have room to date additional people]

4. “Was it reasonably foreseeable….?” [that she would have a girlfriend, that the movie would be sold out, that you would bomb the simulated MBE BarBri exam]

and my personal favorite…

5. “I got her to admit that she was constructively dating [insert woman’s name].”

6. “It’s great that X wants to date Y, but Y has to want to date X, too. It’s got to be a BILATERAL CONTRACT.”

7. This morning’s gem: “I don’t play ‘hide the ball’ with her” [referencing clear, open communication about relationships.

Law School Finals Fact.

1L SuperStars

Read this line in a sports article and thought it was something a stellar 1L would say:

That’s the beauty of being a star 1L. You’re foolish enough to believe in your own invincibility and talented enough to back it up.